Almost nine years since I saw my eldest son being estranged from a grown up son or daughter is indescribable.
Knowing waiting is the only thing you have is heart breaking.
A friend once said to me ,”birthdays and Christmas must be hard”
Yes they were but it is much more than that
I have three children and five of my husband’s eight in total Lots of grandchildren.
They are all so very different when they all turn up it’s like the Walton’s!
If your under 30 you may have to Google them 🙈
Anyway my point is they are all individuals I love them all dearly
Matthew was always the one who would ring his Mam. Every other day, everyday sometimes when he was on tour in the army in Iraq he would Skype or send e blueys little blue letters. He always kept in touch so we would chat about everything.
I’d tell him everything. We were so alike sense of humor,liked same food well you get the picture.
So when suddenly he stopped calling then refused to see me I was distraught.
No reason absolutely no idea why
That’s hard to imagine I know what your thinking if you knew him so we’ll you must have an idea.
Well I didn’t and that’s what was so bad my kids can come to me with anything.
He wouldn’t talk to his sister or brother about it I thought my heart would break.
So every time something happened a baby born, a holiday, my dog saffie was I’ll. Talking about my other childrens childhood of course there was memories of Matthew too he was always in my heart.
I would have rang Matthew we would have talked.
I’ve been in hospital a few times he would have been there
Good things, sad things, new things every single thing I’ve thought of him I’ve missed him there has been a hole in my life no one can fill.
My other children were upset about how much I was hurt. Keep in contact with him I’d beg he’s your brother I wanted them to still have each other it was beyond hard.
Our children are irreplaceable. I have a few close friends who know me well and know when I struggle know that every few months I ring his mobile just to hear his voice.
Friends who knew me as a single mum when the kids were small who remember how it was, friends with shared memories.
So Friday gone I visited my home town for first time in two years stayed with good friends
Viv and I sit up late chatting inevitability the conversation turns to Matthew I get the crampy feeling in my gut fear and I hope that this year will be the one that I see him again. You will she says positively.
I drive home and I speak it out loud as I drive.
“Please mother hear me bring my lad home to me,
Happiness health and abundance I ask from thee
All my children together is all that I ask
The past to be left and a new beginning to cast
My face is wet and I stop my car on the Moors
I love my life where I live my hubby our retreat but the ache that my lad left in my heart won’t ever be fixed without him .
Today I sit down with my phone to read e mails.
A message pops up from Matthews wife who I’ve never met.
She asks for my phone number.
I feel sick is something wrong.
I send it.
He has spoken to her Saturday night the night I sat chatting to Viv.
I don’t ask for details but he wants to sort things, to see me I’m trying hard to be okay but I’m sobbing.
Can I go over and when.
Of course I’ll go as soon as he wants me there I’m on a plane I cannot tell you how I feel it’s beyond happy. This is the first day of a new beginning. I rang Viv to tell her she too is blow away.
I had never given up hope but I can say honestly I was afraid.
So there it is.
Everything I asked for
I really am overwhelmed.
Never give up. Never.
I know I say it often
Life is often hard….
But always beautiful. ♥️