My out look on life is for the best part always positive.
The power of positive thought and putting things out there to the universe has always been at my core.
Words are so very powerful I have never understood people who are constantly negative if you can’t say something nice shut the f@@k up (quote from my Nan) who was without doubt a wise old northern soul who was a million times wiser than Google.
Anyway it’s very rare that I visit my home town
I have relations there whom I have been estranged from for many years 30 plus.
Believe me I wish things were different but I accept that no matter how hard I try some things just can’t be fixed.
I have a dream sometimes where I am with a particular family member and we are having lunch in a cafe laughing and chatting and everything is as it should be.
It’s so vivid when I wake it’s completely real.
Like the dreams when we loose a loved one when we wake thinking they are still with us. Then we remember and it’s feeling that loss all over again.
You get the picture.
Well anyway I used to believe that maybe in time things would be different but they are not
I went back there. To my home town to see some old friends stay with then for a few nights.
One of my friends own a hair salon. She is a beautiful soul a fabulous hairdresser and if she can help or listen to a client she will.
After chatting one evening she tells me that this particular family member has been into the salon.
She sets the scene
“She’s just so rude” she says.
To all the staff. She’s always the same.
“She sits whilst having her hair cut and bitches about everyone and everything.
Then as she’s leaving she holds open the door and shouts over to my friend
“You know our Joolz,,,
Yes she says
She the precedes to say some awful and terrible things about me and my children.
For all in the salon to hear.
My friend asks her
Why are you saying this?
What do you want me to do with it?
“Tell her she says. I don’t care.
Then off she goes.
I laugh for a minute when I’m told. Nothing she says surprises me but this latest nugget was priceless. What goes on in her head I say.
My friend goes on.
“Joolz I said to my staff how are these two women related I’ll never know.
They are so different.”
I just know that’s how she is.
I don’t try to get into her head. It’s pointless.
To work out why she’s says such terrible and hurtful things.
Because only she knows or maybe she doesn’t.
I resolved along time ago that she won’t hurt me.
But hearing the things she says does hurt, On the drive home I could feel my anxiety level rise. Anger. I stopped on the Moors and allowed myself to feel it all
Recognising that’s the reason why I don’t go back home very often.
The truth is I accept that my dream of us together drinking tea and laughing is just that. A dream
I wake and loose her all over again.
I know she still after all these years is toxic.
But I still wish she wasn’t.
I know there is a lesson somewhere, hers and mine but I’m struggling to find it.
So I’m back home in Wales and I wish her well.
But that tiny peice of me in between dreams still wishes it could be different.
Maybe in another lifetime.