I know what the books and therapists say about flashbacks
I don’t disagree.
Every theory is valid in its own way.
But spiritually I look for lessons in everything.
So I try to make some sort of sense of everything.
The flash backs started Donna when you left.
Trauma they say .
I know that and I can hear you singing beautiful Trauma by Pink to me.
So I decided to ask for help.
Nhs Oçcy health was my starting point.
It couldn’t hurt could it?
Making an appointment to see a counselor?
I could always change my mind.
I almost did first appointment as I drove up to Singleton hospital I was tempted to drive past keep going to the mumbles to sit on that rock you liked by the sea.
I could people watch maybe?
I was too early sat in the car.
What are you doing I asked myself get a grip I need coffee.
I walked up stairs thinking about the last time I was here in that corridor was with you
Going for a scan 7.30pm
You laughed as you sat in hospital gown it was on back to front bloody exhibitionist 🤣
Should be in the cross keys not sat here it’s 2 for 1 cocktails
Nutty Russian I could just drink one now if my liver wasn’t fucked you laughed just as they shouted your name.
I squeezed your hand three times .
Me to you said.
I smile at the woman now typing I’m here to.see Adrian I say
Take a seat I pour myself a water wishing it was a large gin and t and look at the door.
A smiley man steps out of the office and before I know it I’m sat in a tiny room that really could be a large cupboard
It smells like burnt fish fingers it’s really hot and I’m menopausal. The fan is crap
I’m babbling and apologizing.
He asks be the standard how do you feel questions on scale of 1-5. There isn’t a question that asks where are you at moment if there were I’d tell him im completely lost.
He’s a nice guy. Genuine I hear you beside me.
Tell him . It’s okay.
And so I do.
I tell him everything I think if I say it all at once it’s out there.
Floating about the universe.
He can start to help me pick up the pieces
Or section me 🤣
Mental health workers are shit at talking about their own shit. Or is that just me.?
He listens and we agree on a plan
You’d like him Donna
I’ve seen him three times now.
Its helping I feel safe
He asked me today what would I say to my father’s voice
I didn’t really know.
But it’s given me something to think.about
I’d tell him that nothing he has ever said will break me.
That everything that Donna held for me hadn’t died with her I have trusted someone else.
I don’t have secrets.
I’d tell him im sometimes sad that he didn’t get to know me.
That I accept all the things I wanted he wasn’t capable of giving me.
He didn’t know how
I’d tell him that’s okay.
I’d ask him to stop shouting
Stop being angry
That I hope next time around he has a better life.
That I send him healing.
That I remember good things like him holding the back of the old blue bike saddle teaching me to ride a bike .
I remember crying because a black bird was stuck in a bramble bush and begging him to save it.
Watching him push his arm in holding the frightened bird then letting it go
Scratches and blood
As we walked home he told me that the bird had gone to tell.all it’s friends it had been saved because of me.
I’d tell him that no matter how hard life is it is always beautiful.
That I wouldn’t change a day.
That I’m so blessed in my little cottage by the water in Wales kids geese ducks dog cat and a man I love.
This is my paradise.
I’d ask him if he remembered me saying I’d live in Wales one day when I was a kid.
He would call me Gunner…
Because I was always Gunner do this or that.
Power of positive thought.
The universe listens
Expect amazing and get amazing.
Dad that’s what I’d tell you
So I can’t listen to your negativity.
It no longer serves me.
I’ve been so very tiered
But I’m.getting there
Yes Donna as bloody usual.you were right I needed someone in my corner someone with the right words
I’ll get there . I’m too bloody stubborn not too.
I’d sign my letter wishing you love healing and light.
Because you taught me Donna that’s all there is.
There is nothing else
Only love ❤️