Category Archives: story

Final journey

I’m sitting here mid afternoon listening to you breath steady hum of the hospital bed mattress keeping you comfortable here in the living room where you have brought up your family.

Sringe driver increased dose today keeps you comfortable. You have declined this last week. Cancer…..

Your a hard man, a grafter but the pain has taken the glint from your eye.

I tell you what’s going on around us I’m taking your dog patch out, that Jeffery your son my husband will be here after work.

Always “Jeffrey” full title never Jeff.

The picture of you and Nancy hangs over the bed in younger years with your mop of dark curly hair you look greek both smiling and happy.

Memories of the past family parties birthdays, anniversaries when you and your twin brother would arrive dressed the same we would laugh knowing you hadn’t planned it. I can only imagine the trouble you two caused when you were young lads handsome and cheeky.

Before your women tamed you.

You and your Nancy.

Douglas and his Ethel

You had always been close.

Bringing your children up together. Holidaying together.

Ethel was the life and soul of the party few drinks and she would hold up her skirt dancing around with her infectious laugh. It’s a good few years since she left us cancer took her too.

I wondered how Doug would cope without her.

Now I can’t imagine how this family will carry on without you Malcolm.

Sixty plus years Nancy has loved you and your children and grandchildren idolise you.

Douglas your twin your other half. He’s never known life without you by his side.

My Jeff was run over suffered massive brain damage as a child you told me you couldn’t go to work as a lorry driver without him screaming the house down. So you would take him with you up and down the country. From here in Wales up to Scotland. I’ve never been I told you.

Go you encouraged there is no where like it.

You gave jeff car engines told him to take them.apart then rebuild them you always believed in him

He is amazing just like you are your boys run their own garage they rebuild camper vans do mots any engine Jeff can fix it.

When you and I sat talking few weeks ago you told me you’d also taught Jeff to build ‘ go and look at the fireplace in front room you winked twinkle in your eye.

You had built it.

The garage overlooking the bay. Did you build that too I asked.

“no that was Jeffery you laughed he built me a garage then put two horses in it and used it as a bloody stable!”

You are so alike. Peas in a pod . Father and son, friends.

We laughed cars and horses that’s my Jeff

That’s our link our connection Malcolm we both adore the same man. How can I thank you enough?

I sit here while your Nancy sleeps for a little while she had seldom left your side

I whisper thanks and promise I will look after your lad.

That we will take care of Nancy

I bet Ethel will be there waiting and your best friend Jock. What a party that will be Malcolm.

As Dad’s go I don’t know a better one I wish I had known you longer

When you go I whisper come back sometimes and see us I think I feel you squeeze my hand.

I whisper again to my goddess to take you gently carry you on this last part of your journey. Keep you safe

My heart hurts but I remind myself I’m blessed to have had you in my life.

Estranged

Seven years since I saw my eldest son being estranged from a grown up son or daughter is indescribable.

Knowing waiting is the only thing you have is heart breaking.

A friend once said to me ,”birthdays and Christmas must be hard”

Yes they were but it is much more than that

I have three children and five of my husband’s eight in total Lots of grandchildren.

They are all so very different when they all turn up it’s like the Walton’s!

If your under 30 you may have to Google them 🙈

Anyway my point is they are all individuals I love them all dearly

Matthew was always the one who would ring his Mam. Every other day, everyday sometimes when he was on tour in the army in Iraq he would Skype or send e blueys little blue letters. He always kept in touch so we would chat about everything.

I’d tell him everything. We were so alike sense of humor,liked same food well you get the picture.

So when suddenly he stopped calling then refused to see me I was distraught.

No reason absolutely no idea why

That’s hard to imagine I know what your thinking if you knew him so we’ll you must have an idea.

Well I didn’t and that’s what was so bad my kids can come to me with anything.

He wouldn’t talk to his sister or brother about it I thought my heart would break.

So every time something happened a baby born, a holiday, my dog saffie was I’ll. Talking about my other childrens childhood of course there was memories of Matthew too he was always in my heart.

I would have rang Matthew we would have talked.

I’ve been in hospital a few times he would have been there

Good things, sad things, new things every single thing I’ve thought of him I’ve missed him there has been a hole in my life no one can fill.

My other children were upset about how much I was hurt. Keep in contact with him I’d beg he’s your brother I wanted them to still have each other it was beyond hard.

Our children are irreplaceable. I have a few close friends who know me well and know when I struggle know that every few months I ring his mobile just to hear his voice.

Friends who knew me as a single mum when the kids were small who remember how it was, friends with shared memories.

So Friday gone I visited my home town for first time in two years stayed with good friends

Viv and I sit up late chatting inevitability the conversation turns to Matthew I get the crampy feeling in my gut fear and I hope that this year will be the one that I see him again. You will she says positively.

I drive home and I speak it out loud as I drive.

“Please mother hear me bring my lad home to me,

Happiness health and abundance I ask from thee

All my children together is all that I ask

The past to be left and a new beginning to cast

My face is wet and I stop my car on the Moors

I love my life where I live my hubby our retreat but the ache that my lad left in my heart won’t ever be fixed without him .

Today I sit down with my phone to read e mails.

A message pops up from Matthews wife who I’ve never met.

She asks for my phone number.

I feel sick is something wrong.

I send it.

She rings

He has spoken to her Saturday night the night I sat chatting to Viv.

I don’t ask for details but he wants to sort things, to see me I’m trying hard to be okay but I’m sobbing.

Can I go over and when.

Of course I’ll go as soon as he wants me there I’m on a plane I cannot tell you how I feel it’s beyond happy. This is the first day of a new beginning. I rang Viv to tell her she too is blow away.

I had never given up hope but I can say honestly I was afraid.

So there it is.

Everything I asked for

I really am overwhelmed.

Never give up. Never.

I know I say it often

But

Life is often hard….

But always beautiful. ♥️

Shadow work.

As a female, I was often disappointed as a child that most stories had a male lead. My favourite fairy tale was beauty and the beast, which shaped my future and unfortunately, proved to be just that – a fairy tale, the beast didn’t turn into a prince and I was inconsolable (Just Kidding). However, the moral of the story for me was – you have to love YOUR own beast, the part of our personality we all try to hide, we all have a shadow side, and self control is the key to overcoming the dual natured challenge of being human.

Jung sought his inspirations from ancient mythology, that encompasses the whole of the life span from maiden to wise woman, with each level offering a different challenge. Persephone, Hecate and the Crone are three aspects of who and what we are, as a woman and the journey our lives take, from immaturity to maturity, because all three of these goddesses, also have a darker, shadow side to their persona too. Making them the perfect role models, for young girls to leant from.

Hecate is a goddess in ancient Greek mythology, often shown holding a pair of torches or a key and in later periods depicted in triple form. She was variously associated with crossroads, borders, city walls, doorways, and, by extension, entrance-ways, light, magic, witchcraft, knowledge of herbs and poisonous plants, ghosts, necromancy, and sorcery. With those invisible realms outside or beyond the world of the living.

The Greek goddess Hecate was the only one of the Titans who Zeus allowed to retain authority once the Olympians had defeated them. Her main role appears to have been associated with being ‘between’ worlds and characterized as a ‘liminal’ goddess. Hecate mediated between regimes—Olympian and Titan—but also between the mortal and divine spheres.

She was worshiped in Athenian households as a protective goddess and one who bestowed prosperity and daily blessings on the family and was regarded with (some) rulership over earth, sea, and sky, as well as a more universal role as Saviour.

Mother of Angels and the Cosmic World Soul.

Hecate was represented as three-formed, or with three heads or as in Egyptian texts, three animals; one dog, one serpent, and one horse. Which is speculated as being connected with the appearance of the full moon, half moon, and new moon.

As a virgin goddess, she remained unmarried and had no regular consort, though some traditions named her as the Mother of Scylla.

The story of Persephone, the sweet daughter of goddess Demeter who was kidnapped by Hades and later became the Queen of the Underworld, is known all over the world. It is actually how the ancient Greeks explain the change of the seasons, the eternal cycle of the Nature’s death and rebirth. Persephone is understood in people’s mind as a naïve little girl who flows between the protection of the mother and the love of her husband- Hades.

Persephone, was the daughter of Zeus and Demeter, the goddess of harvest and fertility. Attracting the attention of many gods. However, Demeter had an obsessed love for her only daughter and kept all men away from her. The most persisting suitor of Persephone was Hades, the god of the Underworld. When he asked Demeter to marry her daughter, Demeter got furious and said there wasn’t the slightest chance for that to happen. Hades was heart-broken and decided to get Persephone no matter what.

One day, while the young girl was playing and picking flowers along with her friends in a valley, she beheld the most enchanting narcissus she had ever seen. As she stooped down to pick the flower, the earth beneath her feet suddenly cleaved open and through the gap Hades himself came out on his chariot with black horses. Hades grabbed the lovely maiden before she could scream for help and descended into his underworld kingdom while the gap in the earth closed after them.

Hecate, known for her farsightedness, where she had witnessed the abduction of Persephone and told Persephone’s’ mother what had happened. Later she became a close friend and confidant to the frightened Persephone and helped her adjust to life in the Underworld. Hades – to express his gratitude for her assistance to his young bride, invited Hecate to become a permanent resident in his kingdom and allowed her to come and go as she wished.

Demeter, in grief for the loss of her daughter, decided to take a long and indefinite leave from her duties as the goddess of harvest and fertility, with devastating consequences. The earth began to dry up, harvests failed, plants lost their fruitfulness, animals were dying for lack of food and famine spread to the whole earth, resulting in untold misery.

The cries of the people who were suffering reached Olympus and the divine ears of Zeus. The mighty god finally realized that if he wouldn’t do something about his wife’s wrath, all humanity would disappear. Persephone was allowed to live in the underworld for six months, and during this time, her devoted mother was too heart broken and grieved, she stopped working on fertility and harvests (Autumn and Winter) and during the six months when she had her daughter again, the land was fertile for crops to grow (Spring and Summer)

Dogs were closely associated with Hecate in the Classical world, it has been claimed that her association with dogs is suggestive of her connection with childbirth, for the dog was sacred to Eileithyia, and other birth goddesses.

Closely associated with plant lore and the concoction of medicines and poisons. In particular she was thought to give instruction in these closely related arts. A number of other plants (often poisonous, medicinal and/or psychoactive) are also associated with Hecate.

In later times, when this divinity becomes identified with Persephone, she is supposed to inhabit the lower world as a malignant deity, and henceforward it is the gloomy, awe-inspiring side of her character which alone develops itself.

She now presides over all practices connected with witchcraft and enchantments, haunts sepulchres, and the point where two roads cross, and lonely spots where murders have been committed.

Since Hecate had great influence in the spirit world, appeals were often made to her for assistance in keeping one safe because she was known as a protector of young children, shepherds, and sailors. And she could be counted on to help those who were dying, easing their transition into the Otherworld, and helping them prepare for a return, in their next life.

Hecate is nevertheless recognized for a special type of knowledge and is considered to be the goddess of trivia.

The Crone Goddess or dark mother is the last aspect of the Triple Goddess, together with the Mother and the Maiden she represents part of the circle of life. In today’s society where we worship youth and beauty, and this aspect of the Goddess is the most frightening and misunderstood of the three, as she represents our destruction, decay and death. However, death is part of the cycle.

In some stories, she is disagreeable, malicious, or sinister in manner, often with magical or supernatural associations that can make her either helpful or obstructing. However in her positive aspect she is depicted as a Grandmother, a wise woman, or a midwife. The word Crone is derived from the old word for crown, suggesting wisdom that emanates from the head like a halo.

She embodies the three life levels of the young maiden or wife, the child and then, the wise women.

Happy new year 2019

Well another year begins.

The wheel turns.

2018 has been somewhat of a challenge.

I lost my best friend to cancer.

My youngest grand daughter emilia Willow was born in June

Our street flooded in storm Callum

My father in law is as I write in final stages of liver cancer.

My canalside cottage is now registered as a community interest company non profit.

We will continue to provide breaks and Therapies for cancer patients.

I have just finished my Omni energy healing course.

Another string to my holistic bow. Next Sunday I start my Omni massage course.

I have a good feeling about 2019.

Good things are coming.

Lessons have been learned so as we walk into this new year as always I trust my goddess Hekate and remember life is sometimes hard, but always beautiful.

♥️🤗

Post flood (Storm Callum)

so this is where we are up to.

After our Canalside cottage was flooded by backed up drains thanks to storm Callum.

We are hoping to be back open offering cancer patients a much needed break away and free therapies

Floors have been leveled we are busy tiling the bathroom we make a pretty good team.

After the bathroom we have floor tiles to go down from front to back and it has to be finished by end of January!

Wish us luck! 😊

All the colours of a rainbow.

I cannot remember my hair’s natural colour. Some non descript brown.

My sister eighteen years older than I and a want to be hairdresser cut it permed it platted back combed generally practicing on me and her three girls.

I remember my dad cutting it when I was at junior school with Mam’s pinking shears there is a horendous school photo taken the day after fringe like a ski slope and one pony tail longer than the other. I looked a right state.

The day after my sister came over and cut it short it did look better but I was heart broken I couldn’t tie it up anymore.

That was it I was like her hairdressing dummy she cut it regularly after that perms became fashionable do she practiced that too.

I should say she wasn’t at anytime at college. Then when I was thirteen she asked if I wanted it dyed? Before I knew it my head was over the kitchen sink plastic shower stuck onto the taps Luke warm water dripping down my front.

Then sitting with itchy burning mixture on my head fidgiting and complaining keep still she scalded it’s bleach it’s only been on for ten minutes!

BLEACH!

she babbled how it had to be bleached first before it could be dyed red.

Mam is going to kill me wailed she laughed and pushed my head back over the sink.

Back onto the hard kitchen chair and slopped red coloured dye onto my sore head.

Wrapped it in a kwik save carrier bag and started to warm it with a hair dryer holding dryer with one hand and a fag in the other.

Shouting all the while at the kids running in and out the kitchen and the dog for chasing the cat.

If there is a Hairdressing for dummies manual she hadn’t read it but we we’re in the 1970s.

She washed it off and gave me a cracked bathroom mirror to hold. You know the ones that swivel and make everything look 12 times bigger?

Jesus Mary and Joseph I heard myself say in a whisper.

“I’m dead”

Red it was luminous bright pink.

To make things worse I was wearing orange t shirt.

My sister screwed up her eyes.

It’s not too bad.

She said brushing it as she dryed it.

“Wash it out” I begged.

“Er it’s permanent”

I could feel my heart beating in my head I grabbed my coat as her husband walked in.

“Fucking hell lizard” he laughed “your Mam’s gonna kill you. ”

I banged the door behind me the glass rattled in the door.

I walked across the estate home thinking of a way to get out of my latest mess but apart from leaving home, buying a hat and refusing to remove it the fact was I was dead!

I sneaked in the back door and ran upstairs.

Just as the bathroom door opened and mam stood there in her yellow dressing gown.

We stood on opposite sides of the landing clashing and staring.

What the bloody hells fire have you done she gasped?

It wasn’t me it was my sister I stammered I always stammered when I was nervous which was most of the time.

Get in that bloody bathroom and wash it out!

But it won’t wash out I tried to explain as she clipped me around my head screaming at me and launching a bottle of head and shoulders.

“but Mam” I wailed.

“don’t come down until it’s out!”

Needless to say I was up there awhile

It didn’t come out if anything it seemed to get brighter.

I looked like a match stick!

I was suspended from school and grounded.

But after a week I got to like it.

It was different. Definitely different.

So there it started accidentally my life long love affair with dying my hair.

It’s been punk, red, blue, green, black, blonde purple but never dull!

I’m fifty three now and last week I dyed it brown.

I looked in the mirror and reminded myself of my sister years ago unsure if I liked it I thought I’d leave it for a week or two.

Until my grand daughter arrived.

“Nan” she shreeked what’s happening with your hair?”

You don’t look like you Nan it’s too ….. Normal!

She really didn’t like it and to be fair neither did I.

So few hours later it’s bright pillar box red .

That’s better she said I couldn’t have gone out with you with brown hair.

So I guess why change the habit of a life time.

Rebel grand mother it is.

Last goodbye. (soulmidwife)

Last Goodbye
Cancer was the catalyst that founded our friendship
Without it we wouldn’t have met.
A soul midwife I expected someone nursey maybe serious.
That Joolz is exactly what I didn’t get.
You came into my room like morning sunlight.
Bringing me life’s energy love and fun.
We made plans for things I’d like to do exactly my way.
Talked of my life and all that I’ve done.
I’ve shed a few tears, but we’ve laughed so much.
If it needs saying I know I can say anything to you.
Complete unconditional acceptance it’s not just a ‘job’ to you.
You’ve walked along a path I found scary
Gone before me with what to expect.
Taken worry from myself and my family.
Always treated us with love and respect.
You have a way of just fitting into families.
Into a Joolz shaped space we weren’t aware was there.
To make plans to reassure, take me to magical planes
I’d never even dreamt of before
Now when sleeping I dream of new adventures.
The wonderful places and things I haven’t yet seen.
You’ve given me the courage to go further explore without feeling frightened.
My eternal friend
Soul midwife Earth angel who needs no wings.
I know that as I leave you will be there waving and cheering me on to adventures new.
As you go on in life as a soul midwife to others know I’ll be around to cheer you on too.
Thank you.
Xx Ian.